The Hardest Thing
by seashell118
Summary: A mash between the song "The Hardest Thing" by 98 Degrees and some of Edward's quotes from New Moon. The song really fits what Edward was going through when he forced himself to say goodbye to Bella and then their reunion.


**The Hardest Thing, 98 Degrees**

**I was just in the car, and this song came on the radio. It reminded me so much of what Edward felt during New Moon, and I thought I'd mash the two together!**

**Listen to the song on Youtube or something; it gave me goosebumps!

* * *

  
**

_We both know that I shouldn't be here  
This is wrong  
And baby it's killing me, it's killing you  
Both of us trying to be strong _

_  
_"I'm no good for you, Bella."

"Don't be ridiculous." I wanted to sound angry, but it just sounded like I was begging. "You're the very best part of my life."

"My world is not for you," he said grimly.

_I've got somewhere else to be  
Promises to keep  
Someone else who loves me  
And trusts me fast asleep _

_  
_"Don't worry. You're human—your memory is no more than a sieve. Time heals all wounds for your kind."

"And your memories?" I asked. It sounded like there was something stuck in my throat, like I was choking.

"Well"—he hesitated for a short second—"I won't forget. But _my_ kind… we're very easily distracted."

_I've made up my mind  
There is no turning back  
She's been good to me  
And she deserves better than that _

_  
_"Bella, I don't want you to come with me." He spoke the words slowly and precisely, his cold eyes on my face, watching as I absorbed what he was really saying.

_  
It's the hardest thing I'll ever have to do  
To look you in the eye  
And tell you I don't love you  
It's the hardest thing I'll ever have to lie  
To show no emotion when you start to cry _

_  
_"You're not good for me, Bella." He turned his earlier words around, and so I had no argument. How well I knew that I wasn't good enough for him.

I opened my mouth to say something, and then closed it again. He waited patiently, his face wiped clean of all emotion.

_I can't let you see what you mean to me  
When my hands are tied and my heart's not free  
We're not meant to be _

_  
_He looked away into the trees as he spoke again. "Of course, I'll always love you… in a way. But what happened the other night made me realize that it's time for a change. Because I'm…_tired_ of pretending I'm something I'm not, Bella. I am not human." He looked back, and the icy planes of his perfect face were _not_ human. "I've let this go on much too long, and I'm sorry for that."

_It's the hardest thing I'll ever had to do  
To turn around and walk away  
Pretending I don't love you _

_  
_"Take care of yourself," he breathed, cool against my skin.

There was a light, unnatural breeze. My eyes flashed open. The leaves on a small vine maple shuddered with the gentle wind of his passage.

He was gone.

_I know that we'll meet again  
Fate has a place and time  
So you can get on with your life  
I've got to be cruel to be kind _

_  
_"Edward," I tried to gasp, but my voice had no sound. "You've got to get back into the shadows. You have to move!"

He seemed bemused. His hand brushed softly against my cheek. He didn't appear to notice that I was trying to force him back. I could have been pushing against the alley wall for all the progress I was making. The clock tolled, but he didn't react.

It was very strange, for I knew were both in mortal danger. Still, in that instant, I felt _well_. Whole.

_Like Dr. Zhivago  
All my love I'll be sending  
And you will never know cause  
There can be no happy ending_

_It's the hardest thing I'll ever have to do  
To look you in the eye  
And tell you I don't love you  
It's the hardest thing I'll ever have to lie  
To show no emotion when you start to cry _

_  
_"When we were in the forest, when I was telling you goodbye—"

I didn't allow myself to remember. I fought to keep myself in the present second only.

"You weren't going to let go," he whispered. "I could see that. I didn't want to do it—it felt like it would kill me to do it—but I knew that if I could convince you that I didn't love you anymore, it would just take you that much longer to get on with your life. I hoped that, if you thought _I'd_ moved on, so would you."

_Maybe another time, another day  
As much as I want to, I can't stay_

_I've made up my mind  
There is no turning back  
She's been good to me  
And she deserves better than that _

_  
_"I lied, and I'm so sorry—sorry because I hurt you, sorry because it was a worthless effort. Sorry that I couldn't protect you from what I am. I lied to save you, and it didn't work. I'm sorry."

_It's the hardest thing I'll ever have to do  
To look you in the eye  
And tell you I don't love you  
It's the hardest thing I'll ever have to lie  
To show no emotion when you start to cry _

_  
_"I could see it in your eyes, that you honestly _believed_ that I didn't want you anymore. The most absurd, ridiculous concept—as if _I_ could exist without needing _you_!

_I don't want to live a lie  
What can I do_

"I knew it," I sobbed. "I _knew_ I was dreaming."

"You're impossible," he said, and he laughed once—a hard laugh, frustrated. "How can I put this so that you'll believe me? You're not asleep, and you're not dead. I'm here, and I love you. I _have_ always loved you, and I _will_ always love you. I was thinking of you, seeing your face in my mind, every second that I was away. When I told you that I didn't want you, it was the very blackest kind of blasphemy."

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**Tell me in the comments!  
**


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